He struck me as unpleasant at first, but as it when on I felt sympathetic for him having to be on this podcast at all, not only having to rehash what must have been a very painful experience of being left by a wife who revealed she never loved him, but to do in a public forum and that I couldn’t expect to much from him because of it. I’ve always viewed it as a test, in the traditional educational way, either you pass or your fail! He has reason to feel deceived and lied to, and it was all done trying to be for his benefit, and she paid the price for her “sin” in that every day (but not every minute). This couldn’t have been easy for him to convince his family to do this — and it couldn’t have been easy for them to agree to it. In fact, I would be willing to bet that the reasons that LDS marriage ends correlates very closely with why any other marriage ends. And that, in my humble opinion, is a huge part of divorce. The church doesn’t do part member families well; being the only convert in my family, I was often encouraged to move and leave my family if they would not convert to the church because their influence would not be good on me. A legal divorce does not affect, change, or remove a temple marriage/sealing in any way. Thanks. Today, it is my hope to follow with a discussion of family life. My inlaws divorced after 25 years of marriage. Author: Goodman, Kristen L. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially disapproves of divorce but does permit both divorce … Glenn and family – thank you. My parents divorced when I was 11. He accepts, theoretically, that he could have done better, but honestly doesn’t know what. Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Divorce,” Ensign, May 2007, 71. Perhaps no single issue provokes power struggles more than child custody. Articles Divorce Divorce – Elder Dallin H. Oaks Hope and Healing after Divorce Latter-day Saint Men and Divorce – By S. Brent Scharman Retired Counselor, LDS Family Services This was a great program. It really demonstrated the necessity of picking the right spouse the first time around. I’m all over the place with this post. I’ve reconnected with my family as I’ve gone inactive from the church, and we have our issues as all families do, and even though we are not united in faith or by covenants, we are united in our love for one another! And everybody had to deal with the wreckage that they just couldn’t keep from falling all over everybody. Your email address will not be published. Within the world of the church though, my father was able to find a new life, he married a much younger wife (continue the stereotype found on “Modern Family,” it fits here) and started a new family, a sort of “re-do” family. I have come to realize that there are differences between “eternal families“ and “eternal marriages.“ The official LDS church may tend to promulgate a much narrower notion of the concept of “family” as being more exclusive than it really may be in the “eternities.” The notion that “families are forever” holds true for me far more than “marriages are forever.”. I have to emphatically disagree. No one enters heaven via the long coat-tails of someone else. 4 We know that children raised in a single-parent home after divorce … My father, the abuser, and my mother, the protector and victim, had what I would call unjust rewards for their behavior. I find myself wondering how much damage has been done overall by the words of a very good man, president Kimball, who indicated that any two people could make a good marriage if they tried hard enough. Articulate, thoughtful, honest people, each and every one. I would like to say that the father did a good job at not placing blame on the mother, even though he probably could have easily done so, having been the one who was left. Individual Stories of Hope. Although a strong marriage is the ideal, some marriages unfortunately end in divorce. The fact that other people have had similar thoughts / reactions / questions of faith is comforting. Even so, I can’t begin to tell you how helpful this has been for me. Not sure I wanted to be the fly on that wall…. A question of geography with dad in California and mom in Utah? The book is a collection of sociological studies of the Latter Saint population as compared with the general population and other religious groups. My listening cycle is quite a bit behind, and I’m just in the middle of the set right now. Based on the best data available, the divorce rate among Christians is significantly lower than the general population. However, I am sure it was helpful to many who have had similar experiences. Whether you are religious or not, I don’t think that you can argue that the teachings of Jesus (I call these the “primary principles” of the LDS Church) wouldn’t be beneficial within the family or marriage environment. Cultural Context Preceding the Book of Mormon. In my own family with two married parents I’m not so sure we could be so honest and naked with one another about our lives, let alone to be recorded discussing tough issues. There must be communication, tenderness, trust, and fun. Otherwise he was an aggravating lawyer to the core. … Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. About Lds Family Services: LDS Family Services is located at 1100 W Jackson Rd in Carrollton, TX - Dallas County and is a business listed in the categories Marriage & Family Counselors, Counselors Marriage Family Child & Individual, Other Social Advocacy Organizations, Social Services, Nec, Social Service Organizations and Social & Human Services. Is this a mormon issue? While sometime necessary, divorce is a painful path that creates wounds that can never truly be healed. She couldn’t pretend anymore. In my experience as a counselor, I found that, although much of what men and women experience in divorce is the same, there are some differences: While still married, men are more likely to minimize the seriousness of marital problems. The reason’s are easy to imagine. Kudos to all the family for putting this out for all of us to learn from. Is what you did something you would recommend? I don’t really understand the drive that made me want to do this and I am still in a bit of shock that my parents agreed — it’s cuz they love us and wanted to show that love. However, the term divorce … After hearing the dad talk, I went to my wife and said “I’m sorry I am a man.” I then told her to give me a list (we’ve been happily married–at least pretend happily– 35 years) of things she would like me to work on. Meantime, I do not want to pretend that it does not help anyone at all: are we so sure that all Mormons would be better off ditching their concept of family (which likely includes some good things–love, compassion, trust, loyalty, etc.–in addition to the overly strict gender roles, misunderstanding of human sexuality, and overemphasis on infantile obedience). Regardless of who was at greater fault in your divorce, healing won’t come until there is repentance and forgiveness. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Share family photos and stories. I thought his not bad mouthing of her was admirable. However, I highly doubt that most LDS divorces happen as a result of not paying tithing, time spent serving to the Church, or even the castigation of “apostate or heretic” family members that have left the church. Maybe an irrelevant question because regardless this took guts. They gave me a tremendous perspective on how it effects each member of the family. I never expected it, but it happened, and I accept it. I come from a sealed and divorced true-believing LDS family. A church that demands 10% of your earnings (which can be as much as 50% or more of your discretionary income after you pay the essentials such as the mortgage and utilities and such) is not a family-friendly church. Paul I appreciate what you said and how you said it ………It puts a whole different aspect on my future divorce. Fortunately, most former spouses learn to cooperate for the benefit of their children. I guess I was hoping this podcast would help me not avoid them as much. It's all free. Those who have been divorced have experienced great pain. Were the Church to have a different approach towards families and divorce they wouldn’t need to maintain this dissonance. (pressure to get married, encouraging marriage at too young an age, pressure of callings etc.). Here’s the truth … Many people who seriously practice a traditional religious faith – be it Christian or other – have a divorce … What was on them? Obviously their encouraging of families to be close and value each other is positive, but I believe it to be outweighed by their unhealthy family values. So far, my favorite line, “If only one of our parents had left the church, it would have been so much easier (laughter).” There you have it, the Mormon mentality. Might I add other ways Mormonism get’s family wrong: Requiring women to covenant to obey their husbands, overly stigmatizing divorce, devaluing non-traditional families, particularly homosexual ones. IMHO there is room for a whole lot of dysfunction instead of honesty when a family is financially held hostage by marriage. I’m trying to incorporate this view into my life now, what a stress relief to let go of trying to do perfect on every test! I really appreciate Glenn taking the time and effort to set this up. A church that actively encourages young people who are not emotionally, financially, or otherwise ready to get married to not only get married, but “not delay” in starting a family is not family-friendly. Thank You for being willing to participate! I loved it for revealing how to handle issues of when the ideal pattern was followed, reality hit and struggle for reconciliation back to the pattern. I am sure there are many who will benefit from this discussion. Established in 1919, it has more than 60 office locations throughout the … On a temporal level we have had more time and money and far less stress and tension. Lds women spend 8.8 hrs/month while non-lds spend 9.9. It sets up many families to fail, not succeed. “We can all agree that Mormonism does family right” (or something close to that). One part I would like to comment on is where john says ‘I don’t think there is anybody who would say Mormonism gets family wrong for the most part’ then goes on to list several elements where Mormonism get’s family wrong. In this forum, anyone who has been through a divorce in the LDS Church, who has been an advocate of such survivors, even if you have since remarried, share a voice of comfort, … Boyd K. Packer, “The Shield of Faith,” Ensign, May 1995, 8. Divorced men are welcome in the Church in the same manner as married men. That was extremely awkward to listen to. that was the same thing my comment was about! This episode irritated me to no end. It was an excellent glimpse into a deeply personal and important issue. Service: To provide social services to community members in their area and to provide services to unwed parents. The ugly dragon of divorce … If Church members don’t seem to reach out to you, don’t be resentful. @swearing elder, I thought I believed in repentance and was on the surface please to see my father finding acceptance, but I also found it bitingly odd that my father had such an easier time starting afresh in the church community than my mother. Lds mothers spend 11.6 hrs/month non-lds 11.1. I think the reason for the absence of these teaching is because the Brethren fear that it will open the gates wider for even more divorces to occur. As I searched out scriptures and doctrinal books written by highly respected leaders, I found that LDS literature related to coping with a failed marriage was quite limited. Dallin H. Oaks, “Divorce,” Ensign, May 2007, 70. Might have more to say when I finish listening. Thanks for putting it together. A cancellation of a temple sealing should not be called a divorce. Find 8 listings related to Lds Family Services in Bountiful on YP.com. Often couples considering a divorce minimize or don’t consider the impact a divorce … John was misquoted by Swearing Elder. Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “There are many good Church members who have been divorced” and reiterated that “unless a divorced member has committed serious transgressions, he or she can become eligible for a temple recommend under the same worthiness standards that apply to other members.”3, Some men say that although they would never want to go through such an experience again, they have learned from it.
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